Vols

Why Your Team Sucks: The Florida Gators

Why Your Team Sucks: The Florida Gators

Photo by Adam Pennavaria | Staff TigerDroppings.com

This is it. This is the post I have been itching to write for months. And it’s finally here. Granted, the Tennessee-Florida rivalry did start up a little early this year, but still, this is the weekend it all goes down. So, in the immortal words of the late John Ward: “It’s time.”

Florida SUCKS, and here are a few reasons why:

Dan Mullen Is A Nerd

Where to start with this guy? I think it all started when he was smoking that cigar in front of the media after winning the Egg Bowl in 2016. Mullen was celebrating his team finishing the season 5-7 and stumbling ass-first into a berth in the St. Petersburg Bowl against Miami (OH). A proud accomplishment for Mullen, apparently.

Fast forward to SEC Media Days 2018, where Mullen has taken the job at Florida following an 8-4 season at Mississippi State. For some reason, for his first SEC Media Day as Florida’s head coach, he decided to wear these retro looking rejects.

In what world are these appropriate to wear out in public? Let alone a professional setting? It’s never a good sign that a head coach is “dressing better” than he is recruiting. Which is saying something given how dumb he looked at Media Days. Maybe trying to seem “hip” with the kids by wearing custom Jordans was his effort at trying to improve on the recruiting trail?

Related: does everyone remember when Butch Jones was peddling his size 8 1/2 Nikes to the world?

There’s plenty of evidence so far to suggest Jones and Mullen are one in the same, by the way. Just look at this video:

https://twitter.com/gatorsfb/status/1024049650091864065?s=21

Only a coach like Jones or Mullen would tell grown men to go slap on some makeup to go workout. Also, please keep in mind that this was filmed nowhere near Halloween, which would be the only half-reasonable excuse to try this idea.

I know what you’re thinking, Florida fans. “But Tennessee tried to get Mullen, too!” Yep, and that same AD tried to hire Greg Schiano (yikes) and Dave Doeren (15-25 conference record in his sixth season at NC State). Tennessee ended up hiring a grown man whose biggest flaw is the way he wears his khakis. Florida ended up hiring Mullen, whose current profile picture on Twitter is him snuggling with a player he hasn’t coached since 2009.

Long story short, even if Mullen starts to do well at Florida, Gator fans will still have to deal with having a clown as a head coach. Similar to the way Tennessee fans had to deal with Butch Jones for five years. Maybe it’s karma for all the years Florida fans could get away with making fun of Tennessee’s head coach. Which brings me to my next point.

Florida Fans Are Ridiculous

On the other side of the above argument, Florida fans have the most ridiculous expectations in the SEC, maybe the entire country. And that’s coming from a Tennessee fan. They already want Mullen gone less than four games into his first season. Don’t believe me?

Yep. That’s who Mullen is going to have to deal with as long as he is at Florida. Which might not be long if Florida fans get their way.

On the other hand, maybe the Mullen-Florida fan relationship is a match made in Heaven, given how both parties dress like they do their shopping from the bargain bin at Walmart. Coincidentally, remember that Walmart has also aligned with this peculiar group of people, even though all of the Walmarts in Gainesville have two and a half-star Yelp reviews. You can’t make this stuff up.

Florida Is Bad This Year

Hell, they were bad last year. Bad enough to need a last second Hail Mary to beat the worst team in Tennessee history.

But, just looking at this year, they have done what no Florida team in over three decades has done: lose to Kentucky. Jim McElwain never lost to Kentucky. Ron Zook never lost to Kentucky. Even Will Muschamp, who lost to Georgia Southern and Vanderbilt while he was at Florida, managed to beat Kentucky every year.

Mullen and company managed to do something that none of them ever did. And he did it in his first season. Granted, Kentucky might be decent this year. But the fact of the matter is, Florida should always be more talented than Kentucky, considering Kentucky hasn’t finished higher in the recruiting rankings since the Stone Age.

Beyond the Kentucky game, Florida has looked pretty average against Charleston Southern and the Fighting Mike Bobos of Colorado State. If you want a greater understanding of the inner-workings of the Florida football team and how they have performed this season, check out Show Me My Opponent by our Will Warren. There’s actual data and statistics there that will support the point I’m trying to make.

Conclusion?

Florida Sucks.

 

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