This time next week, Tennessee fans will be gearing up for a marquee game against arch-rival Florida. There really won’t be any need for a drinking game when the Gators come to town. That will take care of itself. However, this Saturday will be an appropriate time to experiment with a drinking game that I have anointed “Texas vs. Tennessee” (shout-out to Lucero). The Vols should be able to walk over UTEP with ease. Here is a way to stay intrigued with the game while day drinking like a beach bum.
For this game you will need three versions of alcohol: Tennessee whiskey, Texas liquor and domestic beer of your choice. I recommend Tito’s vodka for the Texas variety. As far as Tennessee whiskey, how can you go wrong with Old No. 7 ? These are just my recommendations with wallet in mind.
This rule is simple. Take a shot of liquor for whichever team scores first. Tennessee whiskey for Tennessee. The vodka for UTEP. Easy right? Shouldn’t take long to get that palate in game shape. Look for the Vols to score early.
Shoot down a three-finger pour for each field goal made. Again, following the theme of whiskey for Tennessee and vodka for UTEP. Self-explanatory, right? Neither team has yet to miss a field goal attempt. Tennessee has only attempted one on the year. UTEP has attempted two. Expect to at least have a chance at the three-finger salute.
Take a gulp of beer for every Tennessee touchdown. And yes, followed by a shot of whiskey. Tennessee has made 10 house calls in two games.
Take a shot of vodka for every UTEP touchdown. There shouldn’t be many scores for UTEP, let alone touchdowns. But some rules below will help compensate for that. The Miners only have four touchdowns on the year.
Take a shot of vodka for every time UTEP’s losing streak is mentioned. The Miners are riding an impressive 14-game losing streak. Get this, their last win was Nov. 26, 2016 against North Texas. In that same year, the Vols beat North Texas in an ugly 24-0 win. The Miners put up 52 points on the Mean Green. And yes, they beat their Texas brethren by a wider margin than the Vols. Damn you, Butch.
To coincide with the above rule, here is a solution to wash your mouth and rid your mind of dirty thoughts if the aforementioned game is referenced. No one needs to be reminded of that putrid performance against North Texas. I call this remedy “The Butch.” If it is mentioned that Tennessee played North Texas in that same year, take a shot of both liquors and shotgun a beer.
Take a sip of beer for every first down UTEP accomplishes. The number shouldn’t be many, but just enough to keep your palate honest from all the liquor. The Miners have 34 on the year, but Tennessee should be able to hold them under double digits.
Again, trying to keep the palate honest here. Take a gulp of beer for every Tennessee first down. The Vols have 38 on the year. They’ve had 19 each contest so far. Can they break 20? It’s possible if they continue their roll from last week’s performance. UTEP is not much better than ETSU, so this is very possible.
This remedy is called “The Canales.” Yes, it is in reference to Mike Canales, who has effectively been sent to coaching purgatory in El Paso. He is the Miners’ quarterbacks coach and offensive coordinator. Canales has coached at North Texas and of course, Tennessee. If his name is mentioned, take a shot of both liquors and chase it with beer. There is no need to shotgun the beer, unless scaries present themselves from mental images of Butch. Then by all means, have a “Butch.” At this point in the game, you should look something like this:
I will preface this rule by stating that if we lose, go ahead and call an ambulance. If the Vols do the unimaginable and lose, you do the same. Find an old rusty drain pipe and funnel a mixture of a whole beer and both liquors. Here is a visual example:
— Possum Minister (@volsechochamber) September 11, 2018