Tennessee and East Tennessee State will meet for the first time on a football field this Saturday. In a battle for football supremacy in East Tennessee, the Buccaneers (1-0) will look to continue their undefeated season, while Tennessee still looks for its first win of the year.
Or something like that.
Let’s face it, the game this weekend should be a pretty straightforward affair. So whatever you have going on, it will probably involve drinking alcohol of some sort to help make it interesting and fun. Luckily for you, we’ve created some rules for the game and weekend as a whole to help make the whole experience more interesting.
Rule 1: If you see someone wearing a No. 98 Tennessee jersey with no name on it, take a drink.
Is it an ode to the ’98 national championship team? Are they big John Henderson or Parys Haralson fans? Were all the other numbers taken? Is the person wearing it on the football team, but can’t find their way to the field? These jerseys have always been shrouded in mystery.
Rule 2: If someone randomly brings up Randy Sanders’ ties to Tennessee, take a drink.
We get it. He was a quarterback for the Vols from 1984-88. He was Tennessee’s offensive coordinator from 1998-2005. He was at Florida State at the same time as Jeremy Pruitt when they won the national championship in 2013. He’s from Morristown. WE GET IT. None of this changes the fact that he’s not with Tennessee anymore, so move on.
Rule 3: If someone tries to talk about the West Virginia game last weekend, take a shot.
Last weekend was a “Fight Club” game. We don’t talk about it. Ever.
Rule 4: If Tim Jordan breaks a tackle, take a drink.
But since someone already talked about the game last weekend, let’s talk about how Tim “Ground Jordan” Jordan might have had his breakout game. Jordan led the rushing attack for the Vols with a cool 118 yards and a touchdown on 20 carries. More importantly, though, he was pretty tough to bring down.
Tim Jordan leads the charge through Week 1 with his 12 missed tackles forced on the ground pic.twitter.com/TlH5Kfc3z4
— PFF College (@PFF_College) September 2, 2018
If Jordan continues to be an absolute bull running the ball, it can only mean good things for Tennessee. It should help that he’s going against an FCS defense, too.
Rule 5: If you see a highlight from the 1998 season, take a drink.
Good times. Good times. Drink twice if you’re old enough to remember watching the highlight live.
Rule 6: If Guarantano gets sacked, take two drinks.
Somebody block for this poor guy. It’s no secret he got beat up a lot last season, and last weekend wasn’t much better. Through it all, he’s gotten right back up almost every single time. No one is allowed to doubt his toughness, ever.
But if an FCS team manages to get some free hits on him, Tennessee is going to have some real problems when SEC play starts. Drink twice to help get that horror out of your mind.
Rule 7: If someone tries to talk to you about the NFL, turn your back on them and take a drink.
It’s Saturday, fool. Saturday is for college football and nothing else. Even on a slow Saturday, no NFL talk is allowed. If they try to talk to you about their fantasy team, leave the room/tailgate/vehicle/stadium and take two drinks.
Rule 8: If a starter is still in in the fourth quarter, take a drink for every play they’re on the field.
The backups should be in early. If not, that means the game is close, and it shouldn’t be. Given Tennessee’s recent history of bad luck with injuries, this is a really bad chance to take. Booze should take care of that worry, though.
Rule 9: If South Carolina beats Georgia, chug your drink.
The only absolute in college football is chaos. If South Carolina beats Georgia, then the SEC East will officially descend into chaos.
And boy, is chaos a lot of fun.
Rule 10: If Tennessee wins by less than 10 or ETSU wins, drink everything.
All of it. Everything you see: beer, whiskey, Coke, Mountain Dew, river water, the stuff under the sink. Whatever is near you, drink it. The next few weeks are going to be rough if this rule comes in to play. (Disclaimer: don’t actually drink anything not meant for drinking)
I hope these rules help everyone have a wonderful game day experience and weekend. Please, drink responsibly, know your limits, and don’t drink and drive. Call a friend, call a pledge, or take an Uber, just don’t drink and drive.