Last call as NFL mock draft season ends. After months of breaking down game film and talking to multiple sources, this my best guess on how the first round of the NFL Draft shakes out tomorrow.
1). Cleveland Browns- Derek Barnett, DE Tennessee
Yep, that’s right, folks. Your first WOAH moment of the draft comes early as Derek Barnett, clearly a better football player than Myles Garrett goes number 1 to Jimmy Haslam and the Browns.
A homeless man once told Haslam to draft Johnny Manziel. Word on the street, through my sources, is that a certain former Vol/former NFL quarterback/legend has strongly advised the Browns to take VFL Derek Barnett.
2). San Francisco 49ers- Myles Garrett, DE Texas A&M
This is a good spot for Garrett. They are not going to play very many meaningful games. Some professional analysts, like Warren Sapp, say that this will benefit Garrett because he is lazy and only performs in games that don’t matter.
3). Chicago Bears- Mitch(ell) Trubisky, QB North Carolina
What’s the best way to replace Jay Cutler?
4). Jacksonville Jaguars- Jabrill Peppers, DB Michigan
Jacksonville loves themselves some secondary players. With Peppers, they get a player who may or may not be able to play every position in the secondary/at least try to play those positions. Are they worried about his diluted drug test? IDK they took Justin Blackmon so probably not.
5). Tennessee Titans (from the Los Angeles Rams)- Jamal Adams, S LSU
Best available player available. No brainer.
6). New York Jets- Jonathan Allen, DL Alabama
The Jets are committed to their sixth straight season of having a good defensive lineman with no quarterback.
7). Los Angeles Chargers- Christian McCaffrey, RB Stanford
Our second WOAH moment!
Philip Rivers hasn’t been the same since Danny Woodhead left. They finally get his replacement here. And McCaffrey gets to stay in California. He skipped the Sun Bowl to get ready for the NFL. Ironically, every Chargers game feels like the Sun Bowl.
8). Carolina Panthers- Leonard Fournette, RB LSU
Two running backs in a row. The position is back.
9). Cincinnati Bengals- Solomon Thomas, DE Stanford
Makes sense if you think about.
10). Buffalo Bills- Malik Hooker, S Ohio State
The Bills improve that secondary.
11). New Orleans Saints- John Ross, WR Washington
The Saints traded Brandin Cooks and then get a younger one. Yes, they signed Ted Ginn, but the Saints simply cannot control themselves when it comes to offense.
12). Cleveland Browns- Deshone Kizer, QB Notre Dame
Luckily for Cleveland, they have the greatest basketball player in two decades (at least). Now, they get to draft the greatest quarterback of all-time *potentially. Midwestern QB stays home and becomes the face of the Browns.
13). Arizona Cardinals- Reuben Foster, LB Alabama
Watch out for Mathieu, there’s a new Honey Badger in town.
14). Philadelphia Eagles- OJ Howard, TE Alabama
WHAT A STEAL FOR THE EAGLES. That offense just got explosive. Imagine Chip Kelly with these weapons.
15). Indianapolis Colts- Alvin Kamara, RB Tennessee
Andrew Luck finally has a good running back under the age of 30 to give the ball to.
16). Baltimore Ravens- Haason Reddick, LB Temple
You now what they say about the Baltimore Ravens. They take players like this in the draft that become stars for eight years for them. They’re getting another star in Reddick, per my evaluations.
17). Washington Redskins- Forrest Lamp, G Western Kentucky
What does Washington do better than ruin quarterbacks? IDK I feel like they love drafting offensive lineman.
18). Tennessee Titans- Corey Davis, WR Western Michigan
Rising star Marcus Mariota gets his go-to target for the future. Watch out for the Titans, folks.
19). Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Marshon Lattimore, CB Ohio State
Tampa has realized that they need a cornerback to cover for the bust Vernon Hargreaves.
20). Denver Broncos- Dalvin Cook, RB Florida State
The Broncos get them a running back! Life gets easier for Paxton Lynch/that guy from Northwestern/Collin Kaepernick.
21). Detroit Lions- Mike Williams, WR Clemson
The Lions can no longer pretend that Golden Tate is a number one receiver.
22). Miami Dolphins- Malik McDowell, DT Michigan State
I copied off of ESPN on this one. It’s not cheating if you only do it once.
23). New York Giants- Ryan Ramczyk, OT Wisconsin
The Giants continue to try to fix an awful offensive line that prevents people from 100% boarding the “Eli Manning kind of sucks now” train. This pick does that.
24). Oakland Raiders- Jason Croom, TE Tennessee
Some people call him Superman; some call him Baby Gronk. Everyone calls him a ball player. The Raiders swap out one Tennessee TE with another with a surprising pick that could be a home-run.
25). Houston Texans- Cam Robinson, OT Alabama
It’s pointless to worry about the quarterback position if you can’t block.
26). Seattle Seahawks- Zach Cunningham, LB Vanderbilt
Seattle just wants ball players, folks. And Zach Cunningham is the best player to ever play at Vanderbilt, which is still technically an accomplishment since they are a SEC school.
27). Kansas City Chiefs- Taco Charlton, DE Michigan
You didn’t think Andy Reid was going to pass on a man named Taco did you? Wow. You did? How does it feel to be an idiot?
28). Dallas Cowboys- Deshaun Watson, QB Clemson
An undervalued black quarterback falls in the draft? I’ve seen this story before, folks. Best player available. Always take the best player available.
29). Green Bay Packers- T.J. Watt, LB Wisconsin
Hometown boy stays home to be the next Clay Matthews. Just feels right.
30). Pittsburgh Steelers- Joshua Dobbs, QB Tennessee
The worst thing Big Ben could do was to keep whining and crying like he was going to retire. Now, the Steelers had no choice but to draft his replacement just in case. (FOR EXAMPLE: THINK ABOUT FAVRE AND AARON RODGERS)
Mike Tomlin loves Butch Jones. Butch Jones loves Josh Dobbs. If these things are true, which they are, that means Mike Tomlin loves Josh Dobbs.
31). Atlanta Falcons- Jarrad Davis, LB Florida
Maybe if they had more good defensive players they wouldn’t have blown a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.
32). New Orleans Saints- Cam Sutton, CB Tennessee
My sources have told me that New Orleans super-fan and local superstar, Lil Boosie, is really pushing the Saints front office to draft his cousin. The Saints need defense, so this makes sense.
(Editor’s note: mock drafts are stupid because there are always multiple trades and it’s basically impossible to predict these trades)